Graphic courtesy of Tonya! :)

I'm sort of cheating on this week's Friday Fill-Ins, because this is actually yesterday's fill-in. They apparently do a new one every day now... But since I have been in such a rut, and not posting as much as I should, I am getting a jump start and doing this on Thursday ;) If you would like to check out everyone else's fill-ins, or just see what today's fill-in actually is, check out their SITE.

And now, on to the fill-ins!

1. Being set back is not the end of the world.

2. Sitting here, listening to the sound of rain falling, I appreciate all that I have, especially my wonderful family.

3. Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream tastes so good!

4. Sometimes, putting others first is necessary.

5. Watching a storm roll in is breathtaking, really.

6. Well, maybe there is something waiting on the horizon.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to gotta clean up before my parents come tomorrow (not looking forward to it, but it has to be done!), tomorrow my plans include snuggling the girl before we head out to New York to try and win a car(!!) and Sunday, I want to get home, do any shopping I have to do, and prep for the week! My Sunday one is always the same... lol... Guess I am a little boring, but I love my simple life :)

What She Says... The Third :)

She's getting so big! I love this picture... taken 7/8/09 at Fort Constitution Park in New Castle, NH

(1) Illy's been calling wax beans (which I make a lot for our veggie with dinner) WHACK BEANS! It makes me smile every time she says it, and I've taken to calling her my little whack bean when she starts acting crazy...

(2) She is definitely getting into that terrible two phase! I had thought for a while we would somehow avoid it... but no such luck.The past few weeks, her little attitude has been creeping out at random intervals.

She told Will not too long ago, when we were in the car and he was teasing her and said something she didn't like- "Don't talk to me!"

Yesterday was a rough day for her (at home... either her sitter is a big liar or she flips a switch when she goes there, because I always get good reports when we pick her up...). In the morning, she refused to get dressed (turned into a floppy little rag doll wiggle-worm who refused to cooperate with the whole clothing thing), laid on the floor and screamed all morning. Everything we said to her was met with a screech or a whine... Not the best way to start your day! I tried talking to her to see what was wrong and she said "Leave me alone! Don't touch me, Mama!" UGH.

(3) She thinks she is a big girl now, and she tells us. All. The. Time. It breaks my heart when I ask her if she wants me to hold her hand on the way down the stairs, or if she needs help with something, and she says "No, I a big girl." *sigh* Where did my little baby girl go??!

(4) There's a new baby at her daycare, and she absolutely adores him. She sings to him a lot, and her sitter tells me she likes to sit near him, too. She has been telling me lately that she has a baby sister... When I asked her what her sister's name was, at first she told me "Orange"... but the past few times the name has been "Triangle". LOL! I wonder if this *sister* is an orange triangle... Or if she had a name change ;)

(5) I was out shopping last weekend, and I called Will to let him know I was on my way home. Will told Ilyana "Momma's going to be home soon!" and she got all excited, ran downstairs, and peered out the window saying "Mommy! Mommy!"... He realized that she hadn't fully understood what he said and so he told her again- "No, honey... Mommy's not home yet, she's going to be home SOON. She's on her way."

She looked at him with big eyes and a pouty little lip and said... "OH... You lied to me??" I know... AWWW, right?!

(6) We went to Portsmouth this past Saturday to see the play "Grease" in the park. It went late, and she was very tired by the end... Although she was a good sport through the whole thing (and by that I mean that she didn't scream and cry... she did sing VERY loudly during it, but I figured that was fine since we were in an open space) at the end she just kept saying "Momma, I tired. I want to go home and sleep in my bed."... "Mommy, I want to go home."... "Momma, I want to see Dada"... (he didn't go with us.) etc, etc.

On the way out of the park, I was pushing her in her stroller and wearing her glow-necklace (my stepmom had brought some for my brothers and her- smart move!) because she hadn't wanted to wear it. She looked up at me and said "Momma, where's my necklace?" So I took it off and handed it to her and said- "It's right here, honey. Here you go." And she looked at me with her tired little face and said "Momma, I like sharing with you." And then I melted. But not before telling her "Thank you, baby. I like sharing with you, too."

Exciting News... and a Moral.

My phone has been dead since last Saturday.

This weekend, we were away for two birthday parties- brother and nephew- and I forgot to bring my charger. Then, when I got home, I just kept forgetting to charge it. Finally, last night, I remembered to plug it in. Got up this morning, and I had three messages. The first two were just from my Mom and brother on Saturday, wondering when I would be arriving. The last one was from...

A guy at Price Chopper. I almost don't want to write this out, because I'm worried in some weird superstitious way I'll jinx it... BUT... he was calling to tell me I was chosen as a semi-finalist in their Fuel Advantedge Win A Car sweepstakes! The message was left on Monday at around 12:30 PM.


The only problem was that he said I had to call him back within 24 hours (he said by around 1 PM on Tuesday) to participate, and I didn't get the message until this morning! ACKKK!

I immediately called his number back and explained on a message that my phone had been dead, I just got his message, and that while I knew I had probably already been disqualified, if there was ANY chance of me still participating, I would love to! All the way to work I was kicking myself silly... Nobody ever calls me except my hubby and Mom, and here I was, one of the first times in months I hadn't had my phone for a few days, and THIS happens! What are the odds??! I asked my hubby that very question and he said "Low. So low, in fact, that nothing like this will probably ever happen to you again." Yeah, thanks buddy, I realized that! *smacks forehead*

Anyway, I got to work this morning, and the guy called me back. He said "You'll be happy to know I hadn't called anyone else in your place yet, so you're in!" And then he went through the whole shebang of info, asked me the necessary questions (yes, I'm over 18; no, none of my friends or family work for Price Chopper) and sent me a packet to fill out and sign.

I nearly peed my pants when I found out that there are only 10 semi-finalists and they will pick one more out of the crowd- so 11 total. Seems like pretty good odds!

The way it works is we are all invited to a Tri-City ValleyCats minor league baseball game on August 1. Every semi-finalist is going to get a gas card and a gift basket with a bunch of Central Market products in it- which is Price Chopper's awesome store brand. So essentially, my drive down will be paid for with the gas card I'll get there... And then they give you 4 tickets to the game (I can bring three guests) and also provide food and (non-alcoholic) beverages for while you're there. After the ninth inning, they'll randomly hand out keys to the 11 of us... And whoever has the key that starts the car, wins!

I am trying not to get my hopes up too high for this, and instead to just think of it as an all-expense paid day of fun. In the end, even if I don't win, I still got to see a new place in New York, my gas was paid for, I got a gift basket, got to watch a baseball game and was fed. So all in all, no matter what, it's a win-win for me. But man, could we ever use that car right now! Winning that would just be an amazing, over-the-top blessing. Our Jeep has been broken down since last year, so we always commute together and right now are relying on our one vehicle to be everything as far as transportation goes. It would be nice to have the peace of mind that if something happens with our car, we have another option! Plus it would also be really nice to know that if we need to be in two places at once, or if we both have something to do at the same time, we can! Fingers crossed.... squeee! :)

The moral of the story???


ALWAYS, ALWAYS, always keep your phone charged. All it takes is one missed call for you to regret something for life. lol.

Blog: Journal or Exhibition?

Everyone on the net lately seems to be scarce, including myself. Could be the nicer weather, the ability to be outside longer, to grill, to run and play... To do things other than sit on the computer, essentially :) But for me, it's not just that... Lately I've been struggling with what I want this blog to be. What voice do I want to use? Where am I coming from? Who is reading me? Is this my journal, or is it a place for voyeurs to come and observe my life?

These are questions that have sort of stopped me in my tracks with the blog, and I hate that, because I love blogging. I hate not knowing where it's going, or what I want it to mean. Originally, when I started this blog, it was sort of as my own journal, but more than that, a record for Ilyana of her life, what we did, how much we loved her, and what she was like as a little girl.

Once I started with this, I loved it. I still do. I'm just dumbfounded as to... well, my mind is saying "What now?" because I started this blog with one intention, but then I realized there is this whole WORLD of people out there, blogging about their lives, about current events, about politics, about food, about money... There is this whole community that I have gotten involved in and begun to really enjoy. My presence on other people's sites has drawn them here, and for me... That's sort of blurred the line of my intent for this space.

I mean, if other people are coming here and reading it, is the blog now more about me than Ilyana? I started doing memes and things like that for a while, because I saw other people doing it, and I figured it was a way for me to involve myself more in this community... But soon realized that most of those don't really fit in with my vision of what the meaning of this space was for me and my family... And that most of the family members I have who read this probably don't care as much about the silly little mundane surveys and when I am "tagged" with awards, etc.

So then I began wondering if I should address this more directly to Illy, more like a journal or letters to her, more back to the roots of what I had envisioned. But I waffle back and forth on this too, feeling like if I do that, it shuts everyone else out- and since I love this community so much, I wouldn't want to do that. I appreciate it when other people visit us here, I appreciate when they are interested in our lives and want to know what we're doing, want to engage in conversation over things that are relevant to my life.

Basically what I'm saying is that I haven't been on here as much recently because I'm struggling with my own intent, my own voice for this little ol' blog. I'm sure a lot of people go through this. I'm trying to get a grasp on where I want to be with this, and what it needs to mean to me. In the end, years down the line, am I going to care about the comments I received from people I don't know? Or am I going to care more that I kept a good record of what our lives were?

I'm definitely leaning more towards the latter... For me, this is about us. I love that I have made friends through this space (and yes, even though I haven't met most of you, considering that we allow each other to play peeping tom into our lives, and give each other advice, and support each other when we need it- yes, I do consider you all my friends in these ways) but that is sort of just a bonus.

When I think about this blog as something that other people will visit- when I write posts with the intent of being witty, or trying to seem too PC so that I won't be bashed by random blog-hoppers- I stump myself. I get into this funk where the words just won't come out. My thoughts flow more freely when I am speaking directly to my daughter, or to my family, or reflecting on my experiences without worry of the outside world. So I think that's what I'm going to try to do. I'm sorry if it seems to my blog friends that this is more boring, or that it's putting up a wall between my life and the rest of the internet, or that it's detaching myself from the community as a whole a bit more- that's not the intent. I just wouldn't want to give this up, and I've found that if I don't do it the way I'm most comfortable, I won't do it at all. I'll just keep wavering about what to write, and why, and why it's relevant... And it will never be honest, it will never be exactly what I had intended.

I feel like now I'm getting repetitive, so I'm just going to end here with a couple of quotes that I think are relevant to this struggle...

*****

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~E.E. Cummings

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." ~Raymond Hull