I'm just going to out and say it.
I'm not gonna lie, I've been bitchy this past week.
I know I have. I've noticed it myself- had to hang my head in shame and tell hubby I was sorry for being mean to him for absolutely no reason. Had to check myself when I was mad at the bitty girl for whining too much, for asking for the same thing one too many times.
Normally these things don't get to me like this. Normally, it's easy to deal with, let it roll off my back, ignore the repeated question girlie asks that I've already answered twenty times, not snip when I have to pick up hubs' clothes from the floor directly NEXT to the hamper... Normally, these things are normal occurrences, and I am aware of this, and let it go. Normally.
Here is what I have learned: Too much rain + PMS + A boatload of chores to do = Me being in a funk, out of my element, foggy-headed, crampy, overwhelmed by things that are usually easy to accomplish, and sometimes downright mean. I try my best not to be like this. I hate when I am like this. When I notice myself acting like this, I don't want to be around me... So I can only imagine how my family feels!
It makes me feel guilty thinking that my daughter might someday remember me being this ONE. You know... The one who snips, who scowls. I know everyone can be like this sometimes... But it makes me feel sick when I catch myself doing it. I love them so much, why would I be mean, treat them badly simply because I am in a bad mood?
I just have to hope that all the good memories Ilyana has with me will outweigh these crabby-ass days when she looks back someday. I hope they do. I'm pretty sure they do, but then, I guess we never really know how other people see us- and how they perceive that we treat them- because we're not on the receiving end there. So all I can do is hope. And try to change my behavior...
I stumbled across a post today over at We Are THAT Family called, simply, "Yes". It sort of reminded me of that movie that just came out recently, "Yes Man"... She was talking about how her friend gave herself a personal challenge this summer to say "Yes" as much as she could, and how Kristin (the great blogger at We Are THAT Family) took the challenge on, too. I think I might have to hop on that bandwagon and try to say "yes" more.... Or at the very least, take notice of how much I am saying "Yes" vs. "No".
I mentioned in the comments there that I feel like sometimes I say no simply because I always have that to-do list running through my head, and more times than not, saying "Yes" just adds one more thing to the bottom... So it's a selfish motivation to say no, to avoid the cleanup, the mess, the "bother" of yes. What I don't take into account when I am saying no is that I'm also avoiding the fun, the learning, the enjoyment, the EXPERIENCE that could have been had I just sucked it up, given in, said yes, reveled in the moment- and yes, even later, picked it up.
I'm not great at saying yes, especially when it deviates from what I had planned, organized, thought out in my head to do already... Especially when I am crabby, especially when I am in a funk-a-dunk-dunk. But I am going to try more. I am going to take a deep breath, think things through, and try to say "Yes". Why not? What can it hurt?
I am going to try and consider how my words and actions will affect the people I love, the people around me, BEFORE I say or do them. I am going to put my daughter back in the first- most important- spot... from which she never really left, but I have been overlooking it this week in my crankiness and effort to just get things done so I could chill and wallow in my own shit.
I'm not even sure how cohesive this post is- it's sort of just an amalgam of all that was running through my mind today- frustration with myself, introspective reflection upon reading the "Yes" post, guilt that I have let this shadow creep on me and affect my peeps- especially my one, very little, very special peep. Because she never deserves that. And I want to be the "Yes" Mom, the fun one, the one who picks the right battles to fight (only the ones that truly matter), the one who makes you happy and takes away your hurts and doesn't growl or scowl or snip out of frustration when you are just being a kid. I looked at myself today for a moment and I did not like what I saw.
To this, I say- "Out, out, damned PMS!! Out, out, bad weather!!" I want my normal self back, and I'm willing to bet my hubby and daughter do, too.