Our Life Lately- Catching Up

A couple of photos taken in November 09 (yes I am behind!) the night we were putting up our Christmas tree.

I have been horrible about updating the blog and taking photos lately. The other day, Bendy, you looked at me and you looked like such a girl... Not a baby, not a toddler, but a girl. It makes my heart ache to think that I have only taken a few random photos in the past few months, and have missed so much I could have documented about this time in your life... but I guess all I can do is try and be better about it now that it's come to my attention.

It's been difficult lately with life flying by at its usual rapid pace, and on top of that, there are a lot of changes that may be happening in our life soon and your Daddy and I have been trying to prepare for them. With thoughts of these big upcoming shifts constantly knocking around in my head, the worrying, the stress, the wondering if everything will pan out how we hope... Well, it's been taking up a lot of space in my brain and I haven't had a lot of time to focus on other things besides work, keeping the house in order, chores, shopping, and the changes. I know I am not being specific here, but these are big changes and there isn't a lot more I can say about it here until things are finalized and I am sure what's happening. I want to be sure, and ready to take the leap, before we announce what's going on.

You have been in a bit of a mood lately, it seems like maybe the proverbial "terrible twos" are starting a little bit late for you. Or maybe, I'm hoping, it will just be a SHORT phase and only last the next few months. Whatever it is, you've been a little button-pusher lately, always testing boundaries, being bossy, not wanting to share with the other kids at daycare when you bring a toy with you, yelling and interrupting and well... TESTING. You are feeling out the boundaries for what you can get away with and what you can't, what you can control and what you can't, and whether or not you can get a different answer out of one parent than the other gave you. It's certainly trying, but then you inevitably pull out all the cuteness stops and get us right back on your side with that smirky, beautiful little smile. When I was brushing your teeth the other day, I did notice you had a molar in there that was only halfway through your mouth. I thought we were past the two year molars already (yeah, I know, shiteous parenting, I maybe should know whether or not my kiddo has all her teeth yet, but really, give me a break, she's my first and I don't know exactly how many teeth kids are supposed to get! *ahem*) but I guess I was wrong. I'm wondering if perhaps the crabbiness and bossiness has something to do with the molars...

Last weekend, during a particularly frustrating shopping trip which included you running around the grocery store like a maniac (I had let you push the mini-cart to keep you occupied, which worked out great in the beginning but backfired on me towards the end when you were too tired to listen or pay attention to where you were driving the damned thing) and rolling around on the dirty floors in front of the other customers on a SATURDAY (aka one of the busiest shopping days at the grocery store), I heaved a heavy sigh. You knew you had been bratty and you immediately knew I was just tired and on my last leg that day, and you looked up at me and said "Mommy. Look me in the eyes. I'm very worried about you, and I'm very sorry." It pretty much made me melt, and made the whole day seem a little bit better. You know just the ways to cheer me up, even when you're the source of the frustration in the first place :)

Your birthday is coming up pretty soon, and I've already booked a spot at Chuck E Cheese for the party. We haven't done one of these at-a-location shindigs yet, but you had so much fun at the last few Chuck E parties you were invited to, and enjoyed it SO much, that we thought this year would be a perfect time to try it out. I've already sent out invites and we're hoping it will be an incredible time for you. You deserve it, sweet pea. Daddy and I haven't decided yet if we are going to tell you about the party being at Chuck E's or if we'll just tell you it's your birthday but let the Chuck E part be a surprise... I wish we could know what you'd like better. Funny story: when I was turning three (I think? Mom? Is that right?) I begged for weeks to have a surprise party. I don't think I really knew what it meant, just that it would be fun and all my friends would be there, and I certainly didn't realize that asking for a surprise party kind of defeats the purpose. But Cey-Cey managed to pull it off, had sent me to Bushka's house the night before and nobody had told me it was my birthday. When Bushka brought me home and I was greeted with a loud "SURPRISEEEEE!!!" at the door by my family and friends, I was terrified! I screamed and ran and hid under the stairs in the hall in our apartment complex, and it took a lot of coaxing for Cey-Cey and Pep to get me back out. I wouldn't want to freak you out like that! So we'll definitely let you know it's your birthday... But I'm thinking you might like the special surprise of Chuck E Cheese more if we wait until we get there to let you know that's how we're going to celebrate.

I have a few new(er) pictures that I have managed to take over the past few months that I keep forgetting to upload onto the computer. I am going to try and get those up here soon because god, you are growing so fast... and I really want to keep this going so you can look back someday and see how loved you were and how much we enjoyed all of our time with you. No matter what changes we go through as a family, no matter how worried/ stressed/ preoccupied we become with other things, THAT will never change. You are the light of our life and you make me smile each and every day.

Three Generations of Spunk

Pictures taken on Saturday, September 26th, 2009 at Cey-Cey and Grumps' house.

Three generations of spunky, wonderful, loving women (not to toot my own horn or anything! hehe)-- Cey-Cey, Me, and the Bend Ruggle herself!

You are my two favorite *girls* in the world :)

Rose-Colored Glasses

Some people think that seeing the world through rose-colored glasses is naive, futile, ridiculous... That it's only ignoring an inevitable downfall and falsely wishing that nothing bad will ever happen.

Me? I think that focusing on the positive allows you to take life in stride- with a grain of salt- and just keep on moving. I've always been able to see that light on the horizon, even when things got sticky. I've always believed that things will continue to improve, as long as we continue make the choices that we think are right for ourselves.

On the rare hard days, loving my life is a conscious choice... A step back, assess the situation, breathe and believe. Start again. Trust.

But more often than not, it just comes naturally. How could I not love something that provided me with this- the most beautiful, rose-colored-glasses-wearing, spunky, smart princess? How could I not enjoy my time here, with the people I love, as much as humanly possible? How could I not focus on the good?

No matter what life throws at me right now, I have her. And that is enough. And that makes me happy.

Holy Schnikes Batman! Featuriffic!

I opened my email this morning and a message from NewParent.com caught my eye.

NewParent is a wonderful website I stumbled on a while back. It's for parents or parents-to-be of babies and toddlers. They have some great expert advice, parenting blogs, giveaways, coupons, recipes, and a wonderful community of other parents you can communicate with. There is also a baby of the week section where people can enter their children to be the star of the week : )

I was curious to see what they had to say, so I clicked and started reading:

"Hey Jaden,


How are you? Just wanted to let you know that your blog is listed on
NewParent.com under: “Around the Web" here is the link in case you want to
enjoy your fame and show off to your readers : )"


For real? For really real? I'm featured?!

HELLO, of COURSE I want to show off! Yippppeeeee! :D This is me doing the: I got featured! dance:

Well... That is, if I was an adorable, skinny asian lady.

Now then, without further adieu, HERE is the link to the page with this lil' ol' blog's name on it!

And in case you missed it the first time- HERE it is again. ;)

Who me? Nah, I'm not excited. What makes you think that? *grin*

So THANK YOU to NewParent for the ego boost on this lovely Friday morning.

Oh, and if you do click over- you should check out some of the other featured blogs. There are some really great ones on there.

Happy FEATURED Friday! hee.

ETA: Apparently, my little lady gif does not want to dance. But I'm keeping her up anyway as a visual aid. :)

Dear Mom:

Mother's Day is this weekend, and I wanted to send you a note.

I don't want to get too emotional, too sappy. This is a weekend for happiness, celebrating our Momness, enjoying each other's company (I'm excited to hang out again this weekend!)... and who could forget Bendy Ruggles' birthday?!

BUT, I figured I owed it to you to clear the air on something. I hope you don't mind me saying it in an open forum like this... But who am I really kidding? It's not like I have a huge fanbase, a dedicated readership. Most of the people who stop by here are people who know us, who love us, who already have the back story on this.

I just want you to know that you shouldn't feel guilty.

Now I know me just saying that isn't going to help a whole lot, so let me explain a bit more in depth.

We both know you struggled with your own demons when I was growing up. In and out of the hospital, I know you always felt awful about not being there for us every single day. Not only could I hear it in your voice when we spoke on the phone back then, understand it from your words when you told me how much you missed me... but you've also vocalized it to me as an adult, when we've had our deep heart-to-hearts.

I know you feel like you failed us in some way by taking care of yourself when you needed it. I know you felt like you needed to be there for homework help and carpools and sleepovers. I know it nags at you, even today, years later, when we've come so far, become so close. Not many people can say that they consider their Mom a best friend, someone they can tell anything to... But I can, and I am more than grateful for this. I only hope that someday Ilyana will look to me for advice, will feel like she can open up to me like I always knew I could with you.

But there are a couple of things that I learned when you were going through this battle that have helped me through my own struggles as an adult- through the toughest of times that I've had, and I want you know what they are.

I want you to know that you taught me these things, whether or not you intended to.

The first of them is this:

No matter how much you struggle... No matter how hard things get... No matter how MANY obstacles you face, there is always room to laugh. To be silly. To make up songs and ridiculous nicknames... To seize the day, have fun and ignore those heartaches. To skip school. To FORGET about those responsibilities, those scary moments, those fights against whatever it may be, and just live. Just enjoy it. For a moment.

But the most important thing you taught me, when you were far away, fighting for your life on your own and we were missing each other terribly? It's this:

LIFE is worth fighting for.

Giving up is not an option.

And this. This one thing? It's what I've hung on to. What I've told countless numbers of my friends when they call me, upset about whatever it is that they're struggling with.

It's what I've known in the deepest part of my OWN heart when I was scared and struggling, not knowing how we would make it bringing a little girl into this world with nothing to our names. It's what I believe has kept me from ever getting depressed- my own belief, the true knowledge that life is good, and worth every struggle. It's why I have always stayed positive, always looked on the bright side (hey, they even gave me an award with that title in 8th grade- "person who always looks on the bright side"- and that was way back when you were still away) and always faced what I needed to head-on. It's my truth. My biggest secret for staying happy, the closest I can come to knowing the meaning of life. It's just to live it. To enjoy it. To fight for it with all you have, every inch of your soul. It's worth it. It all is in the end.

I cherish our time together, and I want you to know that you can let go of that guilt now. I want you to know that I was never angry or upset. In fact, I was and still am grateful that you took care of yourself... Because I could never have had such a fulfilling life if you hadn't been around.

Who would I have shared so many moments with- graduations, birthdays, being out in the mobs black friday shopping (which, I hope you know, is now a tradition), vacations, the birth of my beautiful daughter, and, of course, the fuckin' chicken... They just wouldn't have been the same if you had made another choice way back when, if you had somehow decided that being there for those sleepovers, carpools, homework, tests, and games that you would miss was more important than the future. More important than fighting for yourself, for your life. Scratch that- for OUR life.

I love you so deeply. Thank you for teaching me how to hang on.

xo,

Jade

Poop and Singing

I have been awful with the photos lately. I take some, then I forget to post them. And I never get ones of the things that are REALLY memorable, like last night...

* * * *

I'm pretty sure fate did not want me talking to my Mom last night. Who knows why, but she called me on my cell phone first... I was busy, so I figured I'd call her back. Then my house phone rings. I think, "Oh, it might be important, I better pick up." So I grab the nearest phone, pick it up... and start hearing that ominous beeping that can only mean my phone will die as soon as we start getting into the juicy bits of whatever story we're telling.

Quickly, I say- "Hey, my phone is dying, I'll call you back in a little bit!"

Mom: "Bye!"

So I put the phone on the charger and hang around for a bit until Bendy's tubtime. I take her up with me, start running her tub, and go grab the other handset to call my Mom back.

As soon as she picks up, beeping ensues. "Dammit, I just grabbed a new phone thinking this one MUST be charged, but now this phone is beeping too!"

Mom: "Huh?"

Me: "My phone is dying! I'll-" the phone hangs up. HMPH!

So, I go run and grab my cell phone from downstairs and bring it up, determined we'll finish this conversation sooner or later. I put Bendy in the tub and give her some of her toys to splash around and have fun with. Call my Mom back.

"Hey, sorry, that phone died too. I don't know what the heck is up. None of my phones will stay charged! Anyway, what's up?"

"Driving home from work. I have an event tonight and an event tomorrow night too! It's the nomination party for Andover's Hottest Bachelorette!"

"Oh that sounds fun! Illy... what are you doing? Wait, hang on a second Mom... What IS that? That's not a tub toy... Illy, did you poop?!"

Ilyana: "Nooo..."

Me: *takes a closer look* "Yes you did! Oh my GOD, I gotta go. Ilyana pooped in the tub."

Mom: Laughing hysterically- "She DID?! Okay, talk to you later!" *giggles*

I think she did this like, once before. When she was really little.

Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled with having to drain the tub, scoop out the poop nuggets (there were like 5 of them!), lift the tub mat, clean everything down, rinse it out, and re-fill the tub to finish a bathtime that had barely started... but you don't really get other options with things like this!

I actually sort of felt bad for her, because I think she must have been constipated (it seemed like it for a couple of days before this) and the warm water helped her get it out. But still. Cleaning soggy poops out of a bath and off of toys and bath mats is not my idea of fun. By the time I finally got to talk to my Mom again after all this, I forgot entirely what the conversation had been about. Isn't that just the way?

* * * *

So, after tub time was over, we go back downstairs to have our dinner, watch some TV and relax. I'm laying on the couch a bit later, and Illy goes:

"Momma, what you doing?"

"I'm laying down, honey."

"I wann' lay down TOO!"

"Okay, come on up and snuggle with me for a bit."

So she comes over, hoists herself up onto the couch, and sits on my lap. She looks me RIGHT in the eye, and starts singing to me out of the blue:

"KINKLE, Kinkle, iddle STAR
How I wonder utchoo ARE!
Up above a wetchoo HIGH
Like a diamond in the SKY
Kinkle, kinkle IDDLE star
How I wonder UTCHOO ARE!"


Through the whole entire song, she stared straight at me. Then I melted.

I tell you, having the most beautiful, loving, smartest, most rhythmic and musical little girl in the world? TOTALLY makes up for having to clean soggy poop.

Just saying.

My little girl keeps growing...

Whether I want it or not, whether my heart aches for each moment I wish I could have frozen in time... For that little, chubby-cheeked, drooling baby girl who popped out of me almost 22 months ago now...

She just keeps getting bigger. Learning more. Helping more. Wanting more. More opinions. More love. More laughter. Yes, some days I miss that little baby... But most days I am just amazed at what she has become, and how beautiful, how intelligent, how wonderful she is.

You grow, baby girl.